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Topics - bigokieguy

Pages: [1]
1
Off-Topic /
« on: April 19, 2009, 11:25:05 AM »
Derivative markets . . . an understandable explanation:
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's drink now pay later marketing strategy and as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar and soon she has the largest sale volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice president at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS, ALKIBONDS and
PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on security markets
worldwide. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, their prices continuously climb, and the
securities become the top-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at
the bank (subsequently fired due to his negativity), decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Therefore, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%. The decreased bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment extensions and having invested in the securities, are faced with writing off her debt and losing over 80% on her bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 50 workers.
The bank and brokerage houses are saved by the Government following
dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by a tax levied on employed middle-class non-drinkers.
Finally--an explanation I can understand

2
Off-Topic /
« on: March 27, 2009, 08:48:57 PM »
2 BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED.........................................................................................> The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this
>         > morning.
>         >
>         > They told President OBAMA that 2 Brazilian
> soldiers
>         > were killed in Iraq .
>         >
>         > To everyone's surprise, all the color
> drained from
>         > Obama's face.
>         >
>         > Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his
> hands,
>         > visibly shaken, almost in tears.
>         >
>         > Finally, he composed himself and asked,
> 'Just how
>         > many is a brazilian?'
>         >
>         > This is especially funny; since he obviously
> has no
>         > understanding of billion or trillion either.
>         >
>         >
 :blink:

3
Off-Topic /
« on: February 28, 2009, 12:25:38 PM »
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
> drink and while
>
>   he's drinking, the monkey jumps all
>
>   around the place.  He grabs some olives from the bar
> and eats them, then
>
>   grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto
> the pool table,
>
>   grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
> and to everyone's
>
>   amazement,swallows it whole.
>
>    
>   The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what
> your monkey just did?"
>
>   The guy says "No, what?"
>
>   The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off
> my pool table-whole!"
>
>    
>   "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
> the guy, "he eats everything in
>
>   sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for
> the cue ball and
>
>   stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays
> for the stuff the monkey
>
>   ate, then leaves.
>
>    
>   Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his
> monkey with him.  He
>
>   orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
> bar again. While
>
>   the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a
> maraschino cherry on the
>
>   bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out,
> and eats it. Then
>
>   the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his
> bum,
>
>   pulls it out, and eats it.
>
>    
>   The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your
> monkey did now?"he asks.
>
>     "No, what?" replies the guy.
>
>   "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up
> his bum, pulled them
>
>   out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
>
>     "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
> replied the guy. "He still eats
>
>   everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass
>
>   that cue ball, he measures everything first."
>
>    
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The end

4
Off-Topic /
« on: February 28, 2009, 11:38:36 AM »
A burglar broke into a house, shining his flashlight around and looking  for valuables.
He had just picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed  

 from the
 dark saying: 'Jesus is watching you.'

 He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
 When he
 heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he
 heard: 'Jesus
 is watching you.'

 Freaked out, he flashed his light around frantically. Finally, in the
 corner of the
 room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, 'I'm just trying to warn you
that he's
 watching you.'

 The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

 'Moses,' replied the bird.

 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name
a bird
Moses?'

 'The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

5
Off-Topic /
« on: February 28, 2009, 11:25:12 AM »
An Ad placed on Craigslist..............

 

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )


Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the home less guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know w hat's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
- Alex

6
Off-Topic /
« on: February 28, 2009, 11:14:26 AM »
A younger brother sent me this in a email..................................    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this tale:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL!
     Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
     Nothing! I was disappointed.
     I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
   
     AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
     There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
       I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
     But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
     All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
     I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HEck!!!
     I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
     I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
     The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
     Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


    SON-OF-A-Gun, THAT HURT LIKE HEck!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
     My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
     My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
     Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
     I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
     P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

     'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'  B)

7
Off-Topic /
« on: February 28, 2009, 10:57:05 AM »
The Old Prospector


An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The
old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to quench his
parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As
he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and
a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never danced,
and I've never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at
the old man's feet. The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown
off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a
hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into
the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled
shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double
clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped
laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and
he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The
crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.
The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, "Son, did you ever stick your head up a mule's ass?"

The young bully swallowed hard and said, "No sir, but I've always wanted to."

There are two lessons for us all here:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
 :unsure:

8
Off-Topic /
« on: February 28, 2009, 10:43:26 AM »
> > >>>>> > : GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > A man and his wife were
> awakened
> > at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > door. The man gets up and
> goes to
> > the door where a drunken stranger,
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > standing in the pouring
> rain, is
> > asking for a push.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Not a chance,' says
> the
> > husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > He slams the door and
> returns to
> > bed.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Who was that?'
> asked his
> > wife.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Just some drunk guy
> asking
> > for a push,' he answers.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Did you help him?'
> she
> > asks.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'No, I did not, it is
> 3:00 in
> > the morning and it is pouring rain out
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > there!'
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Well, you have a short
> > memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you
> remember
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > about three months ago when
> we
> > broke  down, and those two guys helped
> > >>>>> us?
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > I think you should help him,
> and
> > you should be ashamed o f yourself!'
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > The man does as he is told,
> gets
> > dressed, and goes out into the pounding
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > rain. He calls out into the
> dark,
> > 'Hello, are you still there?'
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Yes,' comes back
> the
> > answer.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Do you still need a
> > push?' calls out the husband.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Yes, please!' comes
> the
> > reply from the dark.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Where are you?'
> asks the
> > husband.
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > 'Over here on the
> swing,'
> > replied the drunk.
> > >>>>> >  :blink:

9
Off-Topic /
« on: February 28, 2009, 10:22:48 AM »
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
> snowy, cold Monday
> morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
> demolished, but
> amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious
> ways.
>
>
> After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling
> about women drivers.
>
>
> The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's
> interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
> just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
> we're unhurt. This must
> be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in
> peace for the
> rest of our days.'
>
>
> Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree
> completely, this must be a
> sign from God! But you're still at fault...women
> shouldn't be allowed to
> drive.'
>
> The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's
> another miracle. My car is
> completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
> break. Surely God
> wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
> fortune.' She hands the
> bottle to the man.
>
>
> The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks
> half the bottle
> and then hands it back to the woman.
>
> The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands
> it back to the
> man.
>
>
> The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
>
>
> The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for
> the police...'
>
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
> Women are clever, evil &sneaky
> Don't mess with them.
>
>
>
 :rolleyes:

10
Off-Topic /
« on: February 20, 2009, 10:36:29 PM »
----------Nymphomania Convention-------------
>
> A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled
> in, he
> glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the
> plane.
>
> He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
> As
> fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
>
> Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
> "Business trip or
> pleasure?"
>
> She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going
> to the Annual
> Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
>
> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
> ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a
> meeting of
> nymphomaniacs.
>
> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
> "What's
> your business role at this convention?"
>
> Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that
> I have learned
> from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular
> myths about sexuality."
>
> "Really?" he said.. "And what kind of myths
> are there?"
>
> "Well," she explained,"one popular myth is
> that African-American
> men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it
> is the
> Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that
> trait.
>
> Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers
> when
> actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
>
> I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the
> best
> stamina is the Southern Redneck."
>
> Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and
> blushed.
> "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't
> really be discussing all of this
> with you. I don't even know your name."
>
> "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but
> my friends call me
> Bubba."
>
>

11
Off-Topic /
« on: February 20, 2009, 10:30:41 PM »
:unsure: Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
 
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
 
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
 
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
 
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
 
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
 
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
 
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
 
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
 
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
 
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill." :unsure:

12
Polls /
« on: February 11, 2009, 05:55:10 PM »
"As Folsom sees it, FDR's New Deal left us with the twin legacy of (1) bad economic policy and (2) a more corrupt central government. If history is a guide, then Obama's "new" New Deal will ensure that today's bad economy stays with us for many years."
   
Here's a link to the full article. <a href='http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/02/imitating_failure.html' target='_blank'>http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/02/imi...ng_failure.html[/url]

13
Polls /
« on: February 11, 2009, 12:48:00 PM »

15
Polls /
« on: February 05, 2009, 10:21:52 PM »
I'm curious regarding this. I think FLAP'S a gopher.If he's not a Gopher then he has to be  some other form of rodent. :unsure:

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